You Need a Defender!- Avoiding Positional Sabatoge During the Expression of Overwhelm

I sincerely wish I didn't have to write this post.  I wish that gender biases in the workplace were non-existent. I wish we didn't need to completely alter our communication styles to adapt to the opposite gender in our workplace but the fact is ladies and gents, we do.

I currently have a high stress job that takes more emotional energy that I would like to admit.  I am also in a position were my entire local team is made up of men.  My boss and the two Account Managers that I co-manage accounts with are men.  While I don't see any significant advantage to this arrangement (perhaps through my own undiscovered biases) I absolutely experienced a significant disadvantage this week.  I am not going to get into specifics, because frankly, the specifics don't matter.  What does matter is that my readers and clients, both men and women understand that there are in fact gender difference in the way that the expression of overwhelm is perceived.  Additionally, both men and women need to be prepared to adapt to the differences in a constructive way.

Image credit: http://ucsdnews.ucsd.edu/archive/thisweek/2004/nov/11_15_index.asp

As a general rule, women need to express their overwhelm. Thus she looks to those closest to her who will be able to understand the situation, offer a non-judgmental ear, and provide emotional support in the way of simply listening.  This comes in both verbal and non-verbal forms, and generally, one is not without the other.  Once the overwhelm is expressed however, we as women jump right into putting the pieces together, holding the fort down and getting back to business.  The simple act of speaking the angst they are feeling is enough.  Like a pressure relief valve, the connection with those that will understand is enough for her to pull up her britches and cowgirl up.  This arrangement works out perfectly without much planning or effort unless those that are sought out are men.

Men are fixers.  They are protectors.  They feel responsible for the emotional health and welfare of women around them.  This causes a potential chasm in the experience of the event.  The male may feel that he needs to do something and will ultimately be confused by the interaction when there is no "ask" at the end.  They will feel the need to try to help the female find a solution to the problem (which ultimately frustrates the female because they are capable of finding their own solution- all they want is a sounding board).  As the protectors, they also subconsciously create a social hierarchy in their minds where, ladies, much to your chagrin, you will be at the bottom.  Not only that, but you will be superseded by your other male counterparts that have now been elevated to warriors and comrades in arms.  In their eyes, you need help, you are the damsel in distress and they will set out to do their manly duties and slay the dragon.  (Never-mind that you have already planted a heavy dose of sleeping pills in the dragon's water and created a trap to ensnare it as soon as it falls silent).

Image Credit: http://tribeofmannequins.wordpress.com/tag/femme-warrior/

So, here is the lesson in all of this for both sexes.

Men

1. She isn't attacking you.  She poses no threat.  She is reaching out to you as a fellow warrior on the battlefield.  Try to think of this situation in the same light that you would if a male co-worker said, "Dude, let's grab a beer for lunch".  She is connecting to you... you are bonding.
2. She doesn't need you to fix anything and to be sure, when appropriate, ask her what you can do to help.  She will likely tell you that you have done all you need to do by lending a kind listening ear.
3. She doesn't want you to give her solutions.  Resist the urge to say, "You should...", "If I were you..." or any other statement of the like unless she specifically asks for it.  Chances are, she has a plan of attack that is already being formulated equivalent to those formed by teams of professional war heroes.  She is a one woman army and this show of emotion is simply her gathering strength, focusing her mind and when finished, allows her to be the calm before the storm.
4. Unless she is really under attack, you are not her protector.  If you are her colleague, she got to her position by being equally as intelligent, capable and cunning as you.  In many cases, perhaps more so.  If you are her boss, remember that she is a force to be reckoned with.  She has a keen ability to strategize the solution to the problem and you likely won't have to play much of a part in it.  You hired her and or continue to keep her on your team, because she is a warrior.  She is your secret weapon. All you are doing in this moment is witnessing the planning session in a live game of Risk.

Women

The best case scenario is to find a female confidant to whom you can vent.

1. Choose your confidant carefully.  
2. You need a sounding board, not a blame thrower.  
3. You need a focused listener, not one that will turn it into "how bad things are for them".
4. You need a realistic listener, not an ego puffer.
5. You need a neutral party that you can trust to keep the information confidential and a battle partner that will not use the information against you at a later time (as sometimes co-workers are wont to do).
6. You need a consultant that will ask you questions about your problem, your feelings and your plan to help you process the entirety of the situation including your own involvement.

If you choose to vent to your male colleagues or boss:

1. Be clear at the beginning of the exchange.  Set the expectations that all you need to do is vent.
2. Be aware that your physical presence and tone of voice will make more of an impression than anything you say.
• If possible, stand while they sit, but do not hover, pace or point
• Maintain a wide and relaxed stance while both standing and sitting
• Avoid sweeping arm movements
• If your skin gets flushed when in the heat of the moment, wait until most of that has cleared
• Watch the speed with which you speak, Too fast and they will sense intense distress and jump right into protector mode
• Be sure to keep your pitch level and as calm as if you were reciting a grocery list.
• Be aware of your volume.  The louder you get, the closer you are to the battlefield. Right now, you need them to perceive you in the war planning room.
3. Leave them with a skeleton plan of your "war strategy".
4. When they start providing solutions, or "you shoulds", re-set expectations by stating matter of factly, "I appreciate your concern and I think you have some very valid points.  At this point however, I already have a strategy in place that will address the situation."
5. At then end of the exchange, subtly re-set your position of influence by:
• Thank them listening
• Remind them that you have it all under control (even if you aren't sure you do at the moment)
• Remind them of their humanity and your equivalency by stating something to the effect of, "I know you can relate to situations just like this and I am always willing to be the sounding board for you as well."

The Number Makes No Difference

Yes, I am writing an ode to the end  2013 and beginning of 2014 just like so many bloggers and writers do at the end of each and every year.  Here is why it is different though.  I don't give a shit what you want to whine about that happened in 2013.  Not one iota. I also don't want to hear you exclaim how glad you are to welcome 2014 in and how hopeful you are that it is going to be "Oh so much better!" 

We all need to face the fact that just because the ones digit changed on your fancy new calendar with the kitties, beach scenes, classic cars or the Chippendales, 2014 is likely to bring just as much turmoil to your life.  What is that I hear you say? "What a negative Nancy! She really needs to lighten up a bit!"  Nope, not gonna do it because you will not hear the power of\ this message if you are comfortable.  

Your life will not change as a result of an arbitrary date, it will only change if you do.

Do you want to feel more peace in your life... then practice letting go.

Do you want to be more patient with your kids... then stop trying to keep things so orderly and perfect.

Do you want to deal with conflict more effectively... then learn to take a step back and look at situations objectively.

Do you want to quit smoking... then the next time you want to light up, allow yourself to say, "Nah, not now, maybe later".

Do you want to lose weight... then go for a walk the next time you reach for the snack drawer.

This isn't rocket science folks.  You can make anything happen in your life if you are willing to make the little choices that add up to the larger picture of where you want to be in 3 months, 3 years, or 3 decades.  Don't let 2014 steal your vivacity like you allowed 2013 to do.  Reach in, dig deep and Live Triumphantly.

Buckets Full of Change

I've recently been asked several times why I haven't updated my blog is such a long time and the answer is very simple, while the activities behind it are actually quite complicated.  I don't have the time to dedicate to explain everything at this time, but have felt that the time is right to begin sharing.

The Holmes and Rahe stress scale is used in order to correlate stressful life events and the likelihood of illness and disease.  A score of over 300 "Life Change Units" is said to put one in the highest category of  "at risk of illness".  (You can find an easy to read article here: Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale)

The following represents how I stack up in the last 5 months:

Life event	Life change units	Notes
Divorce	73	June: In progress
Personal injury or illness	53	July: Result of stress?
Dismissal from work	47	Announced 8/24
Marital reconciliation	45	We’ve had to reconcile some since we are still living under the same roof.
Sexual difficulties	39	2012: Result of marital strife.
Change in financial state	38	2012: See spouse not working
Change in frequency of arguments	35	Ummm Divorce… duh.
Child leaving home	29	June: 2 month stay w/dad
Spouse starts or stops work	26	Off and on since Dec.
Begin or end school	26	March: Begun  Aug: Term End
Change in living conditions	25	See divorce/reconciliaton
Revision of personal habits	24	Stopped Working out
Change in sleeping habits	16	Not sleeping: Stress
Change in eating habits	15	Not eating well: Stress
Vacation	13	July: 20 yr Reunion
Total Life Change Units	504	Yikes!

So frankly, if I wake up with cancer tomorrow, I won't be surprised.  lol.  No, wait, that isn't a laughing matter.  Here is the way I see it.  I am certainly at risk for illness and the like, but I believe that it has more to do with your perception of the events than it does with the actual events themselves.  I believe that you can go through period of life such as mine and get through it without a hitch.  Clearly, the stress scale above isn't making a causative statement where I am destined to be ill due to the intensity of my score, but is merely making a correlation based on average responses of their study subjects over time.

We all have periods in our lives where we feel a sense of overwhelm.  Where it seems as if there isn't one more thing that we can handle, yet the universe seems to keep piling it on.  We exclaim, "When it rains it pours."  We reach out to friends and family for support in our time of need.  We cry ourselves to sleep, we weep at commercials, we lash out at our family for the slightest misgivings.  In doing so, we are venting, or bearing down on our pressure release valves that keep us from imploding.  However, there are other ways in which we can do this.  Much more constructive ways in fact.

One of my favorite ways to manage the stress, is to focus only on that which I can control.  Sometimes, that is very little, but it might be that I am in control of my workouts, or what I choose to have to drink that day.  Then I focus on my plan.  This piece is crucial for me.  I feel anxious when I don't have a plan of action, so I make one.  Again, I am then choosing my destiny.

Events will happen in our lives both good and bad.  The bad will seem to come all at once and pound us like a sledgehammer.  In order for you to be able to get through it in one piece, you need to choose a different path.  You need to make your plan in accordance with the circumstances that you happen to be in at the moment.  Figure out what you can control and begin to make plans to alter the circumstances.  You'll make it through....  we all do.  :)

Thoughts = Perception = Reality

For the last 2 days I have been in San Francisco finishing the rest of the training certification for Achieve Global's Sales programs. I was fortunate enough to be seated next to a woman who directed me to a book titled, The Luck Factor. Clearly I haven't read it yet but her description really made me think about a few things.

She said the basic assertion of the book is that luck is a perceived thing. In other words, you get what you look for. If you are always looking and waiting for the "other shoe to drop", it probably will. Those who have a positive outlook on life and all of its uncertainty will probably not perceive the same events in the same way. The same events would be occurring but because they look at it in another light it is viewed as less "unlucky" or perhaps, not about luck or negative circumstances at all.

I have always believed this and lived this way. I believe that even in the midst of the most trying of times, there are things we can learn and benefits to be gained if we look at it through a different set of lenses. I can distinctly remember times when I was giving more credence to the negative events than they deserved and they seemed to keep coming like hell fire until I changed my view of them. Suddenly, I felt very differently and although I didn't have any control over the events themselves, I did have complete control over my perception and subsequent reaction.

So I challenge you this week to change your lenses. How can you change your perspective? What can you learn from your circumstances? What benefit is there for the taking? What could you be missing out on by focusing on the wrong thing?

Change your perspective; change your reality.

Healthy Habit Household

As I sit here at the community center pool pondering all of the tasks I need to list out and begin working on for my work projects and for the business, I am “kindly” reminded of exactly where I am at the moment.  As if the high pitched, ear piercing squeals from the girls running around like whirling dervishes weren’t enough, every minute or so the air is punctured by the blaring lifeguard whistle aimed at the boys who are fearlessly playing a game of tackle football in the water.  My son is fortunately not one of them and is content to test the strength of his lungs as he attempts to swim around the whirlpool area without taking a breath. 

He is nearly 10 and is getting increasingly concerned about getting enough exercise.  I haven’t decided yet if he is merely using exercise as a synonym for play, but either way, I am happy about it.  He will have a natural propensity toward weight gain as his dad’s genetic make-up isn’t stellar either.  Although both his dad and I have a significant advantage in that we gain muscle very quickly, we both also gain fat quickly as well.  One of the things I believe has helped Justin is that we always have crap food around the house along with healthy snacks and the rule has always been that you canhave as many healthy snacks as you want, but the crap snacks are limited to 1 aday.  Justin routinely chooses the healthy options and now does a lot of the self regulation required with the crap.  He also has been asking to go with me on my runs in the mornings and has been doing push-ups, sit-ups and squats every now and again.

I am encouraged by the signs that I see with him.  Unfortunately, my dad tried to instill this behavior in us as kids, but there was a significant resistance to it and the food thing,…. well, that was a lost cause.  Our house was full of Pepsi and we regularly ate out due to the crazy schedule my mom had to keep with all of us in various youth sports all over the city.  My parents never kept crap in the house because we would devour it in no time and “ding dongs” were expensive(albeit, much more delicious back in the day I will argue).  Although the philosophy of out of sight, out of mind, never worked for me. 

My babysitting career was highly profitable and kept me busy nearly every weeknight and weekend where I didn’t have a sports commitment.  This, unfortunately for my waist line and thus my social life, led to many a ding dong bender at my client’s homes.  Embarrassing as it is to admit, I once ate an entire box over the course of a Saturday, because after I had already eaten four ding dongs, I figured an entire box (out of the 6 that were there) would be less noticeable than the large quantity out of a single box.  Yes, ridiculous logic, but remember that I was only 14 and highly intoxicated… on ding dong filling.

I thought that I was unable to handle the “freedom” of having sweets and crap food around due to my escapades as a youngster.  During college I found myself justifying purchases of crap “because it was my money and I earned it.”  Interesting that I was also slowly earning the consequences of the 9:30pm Mickey D’s French fry and Coca Cola drive through ritual.  It wasn’t until I was married and my husband was reading an over eaters anonymous book that I learned to think about things in an entirely different way.

The book bravely suggested to stockpile your favorite crap food in the house and keep it that way. If you had a love affair with Oreos, then buy 8 full size packages and when you are finished with one, go buy another; keeping 8 packages in the house at all times.  Surely this book had to be a joke right?  Surely they had to know that someone with a true eating disorder would plow through the Oreos and gain 87 pounds in a fortnight.  However, the concept is simple and through personal testimony quite effective.  You see, we are all animals at our core.  We are programmed for survival and when we feel like that survival is threatened, we will adapt and create behaviors that aren’t always favorable.  In a home where there is a limited amount of “good” stuff and you have to compete for it, there is an instinct that kicks in where “I better eat it now before someone else does or else I won’t get any.”  Using the technique outlined in that book, I was able to retrain myself that I can have them anytime I want….  Afterall, there were 8 bags in there! 

I believe that is the principle that has made the difference for Justin.  I believe that because we haven’t ever over-emphasized diet but rather focused on healthy choices and a healthy lifestyle, Justin has been able to make that leap early.  Granted, it probably also helps that he doesn’t have to worry about siblings stealing candy out of his Halloween stash from (9months ago) either.  :)  My only hope is that it continues and his outlook on healthy living, exercise and diet will continue to grow as he does.  I do not want him to experience the same frustration that I did through the first 36 years of my life.