As I am reflecting on the changes that have been made in my life (and my back side) to this point, I can't help but to be reminded of all of the times where I have been in a position to be mortified, or had fear of being so.
Over the years there have been so many times where I was worried about fitting into a chair that I can't even begin to count them. Outside patio dining sets, stadium seats, airplanes fearing that I would have to ask for an extension, roller coasters and the list goes on and on. The worst incident by far however, was on a cruise in 2006.
As a Christmas present from my in-laws, they took the entire family (ours and my sister-in-law) on a 3 day cruise to Mexico. Being with all of my in-laws at one time is never easy so towards the end of the cruise, my nerves, patience and generally good natured attitude was wearing thin. On the second night, we went to see one of the various entertainment shows on the ship... but I have very little recollection of what the show was about. Why you ask... well, I didn't stay for very long.
We all filed into the theater, fortunately after the house lights had already been dimmed and took our places in the tiny rounded club chairs. Except, of course, me. I tried to sit squarely in the chair and was denied.... then like I have had to do so often in the past with stadium seats, I twisted my hips and tried to writhe my way into the seat, only to be denied once again. With the people behind me surely getting annoyed by our late entrance and my ineptitude at actually taking a seat, I fled. As quickly as I could I left the row, trying futily to hold back the tears.
I found a couch/bench in the very last row and planted myself quietly there hoping that someone would join me. Unfortunately, that never happened and there I was sitting alone, in the back, sobbing uncontrollably through a comedy show. Even years later, I can recall how I felt at that moment with such intensity that it hurts to bring it all up again.
I cannot tell you how freeing it is to finally know and I mean really know, that I don't ever have to worry about having an experience like that again. No more jamming myself into stadium seats where I can't relax my body position and no more worrying about having to slyly ask for a seatbelt extension. There will be no more worries about potential public humiliation and no more fear that I am pressing my luck and all the laws of physics when I squeeze into a roller coaster and push like mad to get the lap bar to click, just once. I will always be able to fit into any roller coaster I choose. I will always be able to fit into airplane seats and their respective seatbelts. I will no longer have to stand in line for coasters and silently worry about having to leave the line hanging my head in humiliation because my girth was too much for the seat to handle. The smaller I get, the more whole I feel.
R.I.P. Fear
R.I.P. Humiliation
R.I.P. Dear Fat Body
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