You Need a Defender!- Avoiding Positional Sabatoge During the Expression of Overwhelm

I sincerely wish I didn't have to write this post.  I wish that gender biases in the workplace were non-existent. I wish we didn't need to completely alter our communication styles to adapt to the opposite gender in our workplace but the fact is ladies and gents, we do.

I currently have a high stress job that takes more emotional energy that I would like to admit.  I am also in a position were my entire local team is made up of men.  My boss and the two Account Managers that I co-manage accounts with are men.  While I don't see any significant advantage to this arrangement (perhaps through my own undiscovered biases) I absolutely experienced a significant disadvantage this week.  I am not going to get into specifics, because frankly, the specifics don't matter.  What does matter is that my readers and clients, both men and women understand that there are in fact gender difference in the way that the expression of overwhelm is perceived.  Additionally, both men and women need to be prepared to adapt to the differences in a constructive way.

Image credit: http://ucsdnews.ucsd.edu/archive/thisweek/2004/nov/11_15_index.asp

As a general rule, women need to express their overwhelm. Thus she looks to those closest to her who will be able to understand the situation, offer a non-judgmental ear, and provide emotional support in the way of simply listening.  This comes in both verbal and non-verbal forms, and generally, one is not without the other.  Once the overwhelm is expressed however, we as women jump right into putting the pieces together, holding the fort down and getting back to business.  The simple act of speaking the angst they are feeling is enough.  Like a pressure relief valve, the connection with those that will understand is enough for her to pull up her britches and cowgirl up.  This arrangement works out perfectly without much planning or effort unless those that are sought out are men.

Men are fixers.  They are protectors.  They feel responsible for the emotional health and welfare of women around them.  This causes a potential chasm in the experience of the event.  The male may feel that he needs to do something and will ultimately be confused by the interaction when there is no "ask" at the end.  They will feel the need to try to help the female find a solution to the problem (which ultimately frustrates the female because they are capable of finding their own solution- all they want is a sounding board).  As the protectors, they also subconsciously create a social hierarchy in their minds where, ladies, much to your chagrin, you will be at the bottom.  Not only that, but you will be superseded by your other male counterparts that have now been elevated to warriors and comrades in arms.  In their eyes, you need help, you are the damsel in distress and they will set out to do their manly duties and slay the dragon.  (Never-mind that you have already planted a heavy dose of sleeping pills in the dragon's water and created a trap to ensnare it as soon as it falls silent).

Image Credit: http://tribeofmannequins.wordpress.com/tag/femme-warrior/

So, here is the lesson in all of this for both sexes.

Men

1. She isn't attacking you.  She poses no threat.  She is reaching out to you as a fellow warrior on the battlefield.  Try to think of this situation in the same light that you would if a male co-worker said, "Dude, let's grab a beer for lunch".  She is connecting to you... you are bonding.
2. She doesn't need you to fix anything and to be sure, when appropriate, ask her what you can do to help.  She will likely tell you that you have done all you need to do by lending a kind listening ear.
3. She doesn't want you to give her solutions.  Resist the urge to say, "You should...", "If I were you..." or any other statement of the like unless she specifically asks for it.  Chances are, she has a plan of attack that is already being formulated equivalent to those formed by teams of professional war heroes.  She is a one woman army and this show of emotion is simply her gathering strength, focusing her mind and when finished, allows her to be the calm before the storm.
4. Unless she is really under attack, you are not her protector.  If you are her colleague, she got to her position by being equally as intelligent, capable and cunning as you.  In many cases, perhaps more so.  If you are her boss, remember that she is a force to be reckoned with.  She has a keen ability to strategize the solution to the problem and you likely won't have to play much of a part in it.  You hired her and or continue to keep her on your team, because she is a warrior.  She is your secret weapon. All you are doing in this moment is witnessing the planning session in a live game of Risk.

Women

The best case scenario is to find a female confidant to whom you can vent.

1. Choose your confidant carefully.  
2. You need a sounding board, not a blame thrower.  
3. You need a focused listener, not one that will turn it into "how bad things are for them".
4. You need a realistic listener, not an ego puffer.
5. You need a neutral party that you can trust to keep the information confidential and a battle partner that will not use the information against you at a later time (as sometimes co-workers are wont to do).
6. You need a consultant that will ask you questions about your problem, your feelings and your plan to help you process the entirety of the situation including your own involvement.

If you choose to vent to your male colleagues or boss:

1. Be clear at the beginning of the exchange.  Set the expectations that all you need to do is vent.
2. Be aware that your physical presence and tone of voice will make more of an impression than anything you say.
• If possible, stand while they sit, but do not hover, pace or point
• Maintain a wide and relaxed stance while both standing and sitting
• Avoid sweeping arm movements
• If your skin gets flushed when in the heat of the moment, wait until most of that has cleared
• Watch the speed with which you speak, Too fast and they will sense intense distress and jump right into protector mode
• Be sure to keep your pitch level and as calm as if you were reciting a grocery list.
• Be aware of your volume.  The louder you get, the closer you are to the battlefield. Right now, you need them to perceive you in the war planning room.
3. Leave them with a skeleton plan of your "war strategy".
4. When they start providing solutions, or "you shoulds", re-set expectations by stating matter of factly, "I appreciate your concern and I think you have some very valid points.  At this point however, I already have a strategy in place that will address the situation."
5. At then end of the exchange, subtly re-set your position of influence by:
• Thank them listening
• Remind them that you have it all under control (even if you aren't sure you do at the moment)
• Remind them of their humanity and your equivalency by stating something to the effect of, "I know you can relate to situations just like this and I am always willing to be the sounding board for you as well."